Currently Playing Baduizm By Erykah Badu see related

- On & On

hoping and searching for the day that i will finally be able to understand all that i wish to understand.  i dont know where life has taken me and i dont really even know how i have ended up here.  i feel like i am happier then i was before but even now i am starting to feel as though that may not be the case.  i dont even know if i am really even happy at all.  and when i look at the grander scheme of things then all of my issues seem meaningless and shallow and i begin to think that i am so dense.  for if there are people out there in the world who are struggling with issues that are a diredct threat to their survival, and i am here having another one of my emotional fits...there is no other conclusion than that my spats are meaningless and somewhat unneccesary.  nevertheless i feel this way and the problem with feeling this way is that i cannot even accurately describe what "this way" feels like.  all i know is that i feel it and it isnt good.  its better, its not that bad.  but it isnt good.  i think that it is funny how we think that we know when we actually dont.  i have no clue and the only solace that i find after this rant is in the following words:

"the man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all". 

easier said than done. 

Currently Playing Who Is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds, Vol. 1 By Jill Scott see related

- Love Rain (Remix)

life is interesting.  it takes you in many directions.  many of those directions are ones that you never knew you would travel and never expected that you would take.  but that is a part of life experience.  i feel as if at this point in my life i am at a crossroads of sorts.  all of my life i have been this anal retentive individual that has known exactly what she wanted to do. but somewhere along the way i got sidetracked.  and after some deep contemplative thought i have formulated only one logical explanation for my wandering......MALES.

it all started with my father.  he was a complete ass....there isnt anymore that i could say that would even bring light to the situation.  all that i can say conclusively is that my father is an asshole and i have been effected because of that.  moving on.....next cam boyfriends.  and believe it or not but every relationship that i have been in, i have had a partner that cheated on me.  so one could say that i have "baggage".  i have been scarred very much so because of the experiences that i have had, but i do believe that for the most part i have not let those experiences dictate my life.

now that seems funny to me for some reason when i type that because it would make sense that if i believe that i am a product of my experience that in some respects my expereinece would be somewhat of a guide to how i choose to live teh rest of my life.  and if i also believe that for the most part i do not let this happen to me then, why is it that i am so weary about the prospect of new love or allowing myself to love again?

after my insanely intense two and a half year relationship (which was intense for several reasons: it was interracial, i was young, spent most of my time justifying the relationship to those then actually spending time thinking as to why i was in teh relationship in the first place, and it was VERY dysfunctional), i vowed to myslef that i would safeguard my heart.  now it has been almost two years since then and although i am MUCH better than i used to be....i guess i can admit that i am reluctant to enter into something new or even entertain the possibility of something new.  why is that?  i really dont know.....all that i can guess is that i am scared.

i do not easily trust people.  and that goes for everyone. and i have a habit of second guessing everything and people who know me say that i think too much.  but i dont know what else to do.  and right now at the point that i am in life....i feel as though i am 21 years old and although companionship would be so nice, part of me feels as though i could live without it.  but there is this amazing person that i have met recently and its great it really is....but i dont know what to do.  i feel like i am slowing letting my gaurd down but i feel this pressing need to think over and over and over again to make a decision.

i am too educated of a person to disregard the simple fact that you cannot ever protect yourself from everythng, but for some reason i still try.  i really dont know, im going to be a senior and i am not looking for any type of fly by night thing, i need commitments and i need sincerity and i dont know whether or not i feel as though i am not finding that because its not there or simply because it is and i am so incredibly scared.